Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All Women Do Is Drink Wine And Order crap Off Amazon

   I apologize for the coin shortage. I started a swear jar.

   Let’s change the Redskins name to DC Marvels!

   All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now...good for them

   Welcome to the epoch of divisiveness.

   My friend said he doesn't understand cloning. I said "That makes two of us."

   Crayons are a lot like M & M's, all the colors taste the same.

   I'd like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the snooze button... in like 10 minutes.

   I still not comfortable with how we spell coffee.

   If you're over 50 and are whining that the bars are closed, you really should contact your doctor and get a brain scan.

   Well the pandemic unemployment is coming to an end here shortly so guess it’s time to get back to work, all these companies are all after me so shouldn’t be hard - electric company, fuel company, telephone company

   If I had a choice between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea, I wouldn't want a garbanzo bean on my face.

   Saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it special is that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on top of a strippers arse.

   When I see people running to catch the elevator I'm on I yell "HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!".

   HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner? ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

   I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

   If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

   i wish I was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo

   Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

   “Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair