Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Washington Redskins are temporarily changing their name to the "Washington Football Team", or in other words "WTF".

   The "Person. Women. Man. Camera. TV." test was more difficult than my law exams.

   Erica And Lilo Are Just Like Gnomio And Juliet>:<

   Show me Karl Marx's grave and I'll show you a Communist Plot.

   All I attract is hoes, lord if I’m a pimp just say that

   A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority.

   The new name should be "The Team Formerly Known as The Redskins"

   I miss the 80's. (The temperatures, not the decade.)

   Whenever Kids Says Mummy I Love, Just Say Start Talking Because They Need Something

   I tried having a personal relationship with God. But he said he only liked me as a friend.

   My friends treat me like God. They completely ignore my existence until they need something.

   Remembers when the only fake news was the National Inquirer

   I’m already an idiot, I just need a village

   When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

   My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

   I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

   From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

   Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

   Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

   Remember Darth Vader took his mask off once and died within minutes. ‬