Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 433 of 6446

Hypocrisy seldom gets the contempt that it deserves
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08-01-2020 20:44 by Lonnie
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did you know that Julie Andrews will no longer endorse cheap lipstick?.... It crumbles easily & makes her breath smell. she explained "the super color fragil lipstick crumbles easily & gives me halitosis"
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08-01-2020 15:35 by Eddy
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Trump is banning Tik Tok so if you still want to see 16 year old girls dance you have to get on a plane with Bill Clinton.
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08-01-2020 10:30
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I got places to go! people to see! things to do! Hopefully soon if we could all stop going places, seeing people and doing things to help beat this virus!
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08-01-2020 09:06
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Women used to throw their underwear at Elvis Presley. If he were alive today, they'd be throwing their Depends.

I got a call from a guy who said that I should stock up on water, batteries, canned goods, candles and a generator. I said, "Done, thank you. I'm ready for Hurricane Isaias." He said, "No, this is your financial advisor."
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08-01-2020 06:09 by Fazzy
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Dear Facebook, Please stop showing me ads for dating websites as I don't think hooking up with a complete stranger hoping to mingle in the middle of a pandemic would be a stellar idea. Thanks!
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07-31-2020 12:42 by moon
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my nephew turns 3 this august but since money tight we just not gone tell him
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07-31-2020 08:59
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Gyms are open ! Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
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07-31-2020 08:59
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If he hadn't been tested for covid-19, Herman Cain would still be alive today.
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07-31-2020 08:58
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My five stages of waking up: 1)Denial 2)Denial 3)Denial 4)Denial 5)Extreme hostility
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07-31-2020 08:56
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I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
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07-31-2020 08:56
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[boiling pot] Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
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07-31-2020 08:55
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Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
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07-31-2020 08:54
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Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
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07-31-2020 08:54
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When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
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07-31-2020 08:53
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Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
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07-31-2020 08:53
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Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.” Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
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07-31-2020 08:50
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Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term Me: Don’t kid yourself
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07-31-2020 08:49
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Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
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07-31-2020 08:47
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