Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hypocrisy seldom gets the contempt that it deserves

   did you know that Julie Andrews will no longer endorse cheap lipstick?.... It crumbles easily & makes her breath smell. she explained "the super color fragil lipstick crumbles easily & gives me halitosis"

   Trump is banning Tik Tok so if you still want to see 16 year old girls dance you have to get on a plane with Bill Clinton.

   I got places to go! people to see! things to do! Hopefully soon if we could all stop going places, seeing people and doing things to help beat this virus!

   Women used to throw their underwear at Elvis Presley. If he were alive today, they'd be throwing their Depends.

   I got a call from a guy who said that I should stock up on water, batteries, canned goods, candles and a generator. I said, "Done, thank you. I'm ready for Hurricane Isaias." He said, "No, this is your financial advisor."

   Dear Facebook, Please stop showing me ads for dating websites as I don't think hooking up with a complete stranger hoping to mingle in the middle of a pandemic would be a stellar idea. Thanks!

   my nephew turns 3 this august but since money tight we just not gone tell him

   Gyms are open ! Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

   If he hadn't been tested for covid-19, Herman Cain would still be alive today.

   My five stages of waking up: 1)Denial 2)Denial 3)Denial 4)Denial 5)Extreme hostility

   I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

   [boiling pot] Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

   Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

   Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

   When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

   Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

   Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.” Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

   Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term Me: Don’t kid yourself

   Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.