Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe the Pandemic Shutdown of 2020 was organized by Keyser Soze

   Ruth Bader Ginsburg actually died years ago. She just got the memo today.

   The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block I know a sign from God when I see one

   Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

   Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

   Does anyone know if we have any wiggle room when it comes to the 6ft distances rule?

   That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

   One of my daughters wants to marry the mailman, but I won’t letter!

   I told someone to question everything. He replied to me "even your conspiracy theories?" After that, I feel so confused all the time.

   He drinks a whiskey drink He drinks a vodka drink He drinks a taco drink He drinks a pizza drink – me with a broken jaw

   I’ve eaten jellyfish, pidgeon, and pig ear. I even sucked marrow thru a straw directly from a bone. But you won’t catch me dead with mayo on my burger because I’m not gross

   This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

   My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

   I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

   Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

   For Halloween I'm going to go as a normal person with no mask since that seems to scare the sh*t out of everyone🎃 🤔💪😜🇨🇦🇺🇸

   All those tree huggers should've let the loggers cut down all the forests!

   Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

   If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.

   Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins] Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE