Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet midgets are very busy this time of year... with all of the elf jobs and such...

   TV evangelest Billy Graham was admitted to the hospital yesterday after falling seriously ill. Don't worry though, all he has to do is send himself a couple hundred dollars, and he should be miraculously healed...

   I do not look at porn online. I watch online videos where people are so happy to see each other they make love naked.

   Omg.. Why does Lady Gaga look like a skeleton.. Jesus! Its almost Christmas! B!tch is bout 2 months behind!

   Newt Gingrich says gays can't marry because 'marriage is sacred.' Oh, & every 12 years or so, Newt's needed some new sacred.

   Talk is cheap... Thats why everyone can afford to talk so much sh!t!

   To be is to do (Immanuel Kant). To do is to be (Jean-Paul Sartre). Doo be doo be dooo (Frank Sinatra).

   SOMEBODY'S gotta be the best fu*k in town, and it happens to be me.

   WWII Vet goes up to a Occupy Movement protester and says "When I was your age I was occupying France fighting Nazis"

   has lost her mood ring and is not sure how she should feel about this..

   Snowball Fight! :) o´¯`❄.¸(░)`O.¸¸.¸.o´¯`❄.¸(░)`O.❄。¨¯`*✲ ´*。.❄¨¯`*✲。❄*´*。✲O.¸¸.¸.o´¯`o.¸(░) `O.¸¸.✲.¸.o´¯`¸.o´¯`❄¸(░)`O.¸¸.¸.✲´¯`o.¸(░) `O.¸❄。`O.¸¸.¸.o´¯`❄。¨¯`*�

   Doctors are such teases. First, they coax you into dropping your pants. Then, they don't even let you finish.

   Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. It tastes the same, but you know its wrong....

   If Justing Bieber was a real man, he wouldn't have his own line of womens perfume...

   Women are addicting

   i'm not an alcoholic, i'm a drunk... alcoholics go to meetings

   apparently Conrad Murray wasn't a SMOOTH CRIMINAL like he though. now if he drops the soap he gets a THRILLER.

   Are you really leaving or are you just trying to brighten up my day?

   I don't know what I'd do without you guys but I bet it would be something productive.

   In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.