Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a dyslexic man walks into a bra

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, I have a gun, get in the van.

   What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.

   Your Girlfriend's not listening to you? There's a slap for that.

   I always wonder why atheists don't spend as much questioning satan's existence.

   I am well-armed for the war on Christmas: Ground-to-air mistletoe, check. Pecan clusterbombs, check. Canister of peppermint spray, check.

   You can always count on mom's to gasp in horror when you're about to hit a car that's 300 yards away.

   Just drunk enough to compose.. Just sober enough to backspace.

   Can any Chicago Bears ffans out there hook me up with an eight ball?

   Christopher Hitchens the brilliant journalist, author & famed atheist has died. If he's in Heaven now I bet Jesus is looking pretty smug.

   They discovered bed bugs can procreate with their siblings. This is not the image boost bed bugs needed.

   If I could live in any time period, it would have to be a mix of the 50s and the 80s and the future. So, Back to the Future Pt 2, basically.

   Turns out they'll sell a wizard hat to just anybody!

   Having blue teeth would be cooler than wearing a Bluetooth.

   You can catch more flies with honey. Or you can eat that honey and not have to deal with expensive fly upkeep.

   Just because i'm losing.. doesn't mean i'm lost.

   wishes Santa would stop allowing bullying at the North Pole. Stop allowing the laughing at others and name calling.

   My homeboy's got girl problems, so I'm at some dive bar offering bro-side assistance. That's code for whisky shots.

   Oh don't act like you never lean forward while pushing down on the gas pedal to go faster.

   My office Christmas party is tonight, which means my office apology party will be tomorrow.