Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever a woman says, "I'm going out tonight with the girls;" I like to think she's referring to her boobs.

   Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues

   Ahhh yes! My favourite day of the year, Friday the 13th,, ,, just sharpened my machete and dusted off my goalie mask,, well, off to the lake, see you later!!

   It is impossible to defeat an ignorant person in an argument.

   I don't understand why Beyonce and Jay-Z didn't name their baby 'BeJay'.

   Friday the 13th, eh? I bet there's a lot of killer parties going on tonight!

   12/21/12 falls on a Friday. Looks like the world's had enough of Rebecca Black.

   My life's an open Facebook

   Why is the Arab world pissed about the video of Marines peeing on dead bodies? A lot of people enjoy getting peed on judging from the number of videos I found trying to find the video in question.

   party at camp crystal lake tonight all "people I may know" are invited.

   Confuscius Say: "One cannot find what one is looking for with head up a$$."

   A girl plays with your mind. A woman explores it.

   Sometimes I like to send a text un purpose to the wrong person to see their reaction

   Just attempted to lick my own b@lls for the 105th time, i'm getting closer every day!

   Roses are red, vi0lets are fine...I'll be the 6, if you be the 9

   A lot of independent women wish they had someone to depend on.

   Every time someone asks me for directions, I navigate them to the nearest bar or strip club. That will teach them to buy a GPS.

   I'm not sure what the worst penalty in football is but Madonna performing at the halftime of the Super Bowl has got to be it.

   Shouldn't a "landing strip" actually be NO hair in the middle with hair to the sides?

   I don't mind if you wear the pants in our relationship, because if I'm doing it right, you won't have them on for long...