Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No good deed goes unposted on social media.

   I looked at the keyboard earlier and I noticed 'U' & 'I' are together...it's meant to be! Then I looked underneath it and it said JK.

   As we used to say in my hometown, “Why are we all living at the base of an active volcano?”

   *first date* Yep. I like all the things. *fourth date* And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

   I'm boycotting the next Nobel Prize award ceremony. Trump so deserved the award, but didn't win.

   *Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house* CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks? GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

   *sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard* *buys all the lottery tickets*

   I’m going to start following my dogs lead and bite some ankles when you get too close to me.

   The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

   Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today. Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

   Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

   I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

   I'd really like to get personalized license plates for my car but they're so expensive I decided to change my name to XJS-3582

   I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

   The opposite of formaldehyde is casualhyde

   WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza? ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

   Pencer must have done a great job last night. cause that's all the dumasscrats could talk about this morning on the lib news.

   This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

   Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you! Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

   Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.