Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who else feels like prank calling the voter's fraud hotline?

   I think the wife has started to show signs of Alzheimers. She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me !

   Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

   If I ever got the chance to name a Road, I'd call it 'Skin Road' Just so I could laugh at the people at number 4.

   Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

   Nothing disturbs me more than the glorification of stupidity.

   I’m not a violent person, but I’d happily throat punch the person that decided baby clothes needed a minimum of 20 buttons.

   No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

   why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

   Today is my first day of taking fish oil When do I get scales

   GI joe is short for gastrointestinal joseph.

   I don't know about you, but I think Kanye still has a chance.

   I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

   How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

   The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

   yes I am an embarrassment to my family but I am also an embarrassment to other families

   I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

   I dropped the keys to my jeep between the seat then accidentally locked my hair in the car door if you’re looking for a sophisticated woman with style and grace.

   A Swiss army knife, but one that has a tool that closes your mouth when you’re about to say something stupid.

   Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here