Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling* Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

   my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code. nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

   If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first

   I’d be so lost without a sense of humor I don’t know how most of you do it

   *reading the nutrition facts of a cookie* me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

   If rubbing toast crumbs off your face counts as exfoliating, then yes, I exfoliate every day.

   Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

   I'm looking at the bright side of having 10 people or less over for Thanksgiving. More turkey for me!

   If you think a college education isn't worth the money, I'm here to tell you that whenever I say something stupid, I can get out of trouble by saying, "Sorry, I was an art major."

   The truth is like a lion. You don't have to defend it. Let it loose. It will defend itself.

   Years ago, I was all set to marry the man of my dreams. On the day we were supposed to elope, he didn’t show up. It took me a year or two to accept he didn’t marry me because he didn’t know I existed, I was 13 and he was Sam Elliot ;-)

   Tortilla paper. When everyone buys out all the toilet paper again, I’ll be using expired tortillas.

   Breaking news!!! They are making a sequel to "Unforgiven" . It's called "Look, I said I was sorry".

   Has anyone suggested the Google Earth app to the Flat Earth Society?

   Remember, it’s not actually a coup unless it comes from the coup d'état region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling authoritarian takeover.

   If you're over 23 and you post pics of yourself flipping the bird, just accept the fact that you're a complete imbecile.

   Keep smiling... and one day life will get tired of upsetting you.

   I joined the Flat Earth Society. I'm hoping they see my stomach the same way they see the planet.

   How come no one has came up with a skeleton turkey inflatable with a santa hat on so you can put it out october 1st and take it down after Christmas.

   Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview? My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that