Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

   Thank you everyone ! In celebration of my birthday today - l will match any cash donations given to me.

   For years my Wife only has sex with me on my birthday. But now she has Alzheimer's, so I tell her it is my birthday everyday.

   Selena: *Trying to Rest In Peace* Her parents: get up you got a gig 🤪🤦🏻🤣

   The greatest comedians don't say funny things, they say things funny.

   How many cuckold convervatives does it take to stop a dictator? Answer: None. They would rather sit at home and jerk off to one..

   Seeing how some people wear their masks, I now understand how contraceptives fail.

   Going outside to vacuum the driveway. I do this every so often... just to ensure the neighbors never talk to me...

   I'm going to my girlfriend's house to make mad, passionate love to her. Then have her fix us something to eat. That's what's meant by bed and breakfast, right?

   Dropping my cheeseburger on the ground before I eat it is about as organic as I get

   Do any of you - when you're in bed at night - pluck out your pubes and hold them up to the phone light then toss them on the floor?

   Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

   Last week, I tried to kill a spider with an entire can of cheap hairspray. No luck. It now smokes two packs a day, wears blue eye shadow, joined a bowling league and calls itself "Brenda."

   its okay Christmas Tree. My lights don't come on either.

   Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

   In other news...the Seven Dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of six. One of them isn't Happy.

   Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

   Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

   Official quote of 2020 ... "YOU'RE ON MUTE !!"

   All I want for Christmas is a stimulus check.