Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girl and I decided never to go to sleep angry at each other. We’ve been awake since Friday

   You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

   2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

   This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home.

   Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

   No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

   Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Sh$t” and a one and a two

   Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

   I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

   How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

   I’ve washed my hands three times and showered twice and I still have the smell on my fingers. Fresh rosemary is the herpes of herbs.

   You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

   Trump gets criticized for wanting to boink his own daughter, but dam, I want to boink her too.

   2021 Reality Check: You're not actually expecting things to get any better at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve, are you?

   B4 sliced Bread, what was the Greatest thing ?

   Look. Those Christmas Walmart roll back prices are only for believers in the baby Jesus!

   Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

   Elf on a Shelf? WTF? Back in my day, if a doll came to life, it murdered your whole family and everyone you loved. Kids are too coddled these days.

   Somewhere there is a Mom yelling “ I swear I’ll take all this crap back”

   I know some surfer chicks who started a prostitution ring. They call themselves the Wavy Lays.