Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your tax refund probably taking long cuz all your kids got different last names and the IRS is confused.

   I heard Biden went on a trip today.

   What did Jill say to Joe, when he left the White House, this morning? "Have a safe trip."

   Q-Tip. A d!ldo for the ear.

   Sometimes I wish Whoop-ass came in a spray bottle instead of a can.

   I’ve tested positive for needing a fucing vacation

   Playboy has asked me to stop sending them my nudes

   I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

   If your relationship fails, don't blame her. It takes two people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.

   ford is moving to mexico. you folks happy now

   I don't always "Whoop", but when I do, there it is...

   I was happily watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra when the guy on triangle disappeared.

   Happy St Patrick's Day, the day when everybody gets together and pretends they're Irish. Except for the Irish -- they pretend they're sober.

   Corned beef and cabbage this.

   My backup plan is just my original plan but with more alcohol.

   Everyone told Beethoven he would never be a composer because he was deaf. But did he listen?

   I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any kids. When I got home, they were still there.

   You know the pot holes are ridiculous when it effn looks like the pot hole may lead to underground parking......and another wheel alignment.

   At the age of 91 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breast, we were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees.

   Can we drive the snakes out of Washington for this St. Patrick's Day?