Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

   A couple of million dollar ideas: 1) Boxers with pockets 2) A service that lets you throw a live shark from a speeding van

   Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

   Life Coach: Get out there and show the world what you’re made of! Gingerbread Man: Not sure that’s a good idea.

   [first time at a rave] These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

   Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

   Looking on the bright side of being in quarantine… Now all those stolen office supplies just look like good planning.

   Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

   My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

   Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute! Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

   I don't want to see a politician's tax returns. I want to see the the results of their IQ tests.

   I love our government! They just voted to borrow $1400 from me so that they can give it to me. Brilliant!

   My favorite part of Forrest Gump is when a guy with an IQ of 75 gets accepted to the University of Alabama.

   What's better than a 5 hour energy? A 2 hour nap!!

   Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

   Que o medo de não dar certo não nos impeça de tentar. Vá. E se der medo, vá com medo mesmo.

   Fake meat fans, do us normal folks a favor. Shut up already.

   The war is over. The Confederacy lost. We're all Yankees now. Get over it!

   By def: ALL 'culture' is stereotype. Ok maybe the old cultures are monotype, WTH?

   Bike Week: A bunch of lowlifes in need of a bath, riding around drunk, causing traffic jams, clogging up restaurants for no apparent reason other than to drive local residents up the wall with loud noise.