Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm probably not the first person to notice, but the plots of "Finding Nemo" and "Taken" are virtually identical.

   If laughter is the best medicine, I'm practicing without a license...

   If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.

   Your Ex ALWAYS seems to pop back up as soon as you forget about them.

   I hate it when my boss calls my name and I automatically think "What the hell did I do now?"

   Send message without subject? Yes, Gmail. f$ck off.

   Dear Whoever decided when breakfast is over at McDonalds..... F$CK YOU!

   Everybody secretly hates that couple who plans their wedding on holiday weekends.

   Longest minute of life: waiting for food to come out of the microwave...

   Just saw a guy in a Dominos uniform driving a UPS truck. This is either grand theft auto or the most epic pizza trade ever.

   do movie stars get depressed if they see their movies in the $5.00 dvd bin?

   Every time I post,, I get a rush like I'm releasing a little animal into the wild... A hideous, deformed animal that no one will ever love...

   7/9 = No bra day! Who is responsible for failing to send me the memo? My day could've been a whole lot brighter

   You're definitely doing something wrong if you have had more eX's than you have had O's in your life.

   "Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I've ever been asked.

   Some days I'm in control... and some days I'm allllll back of the bus 'n sh*t.

   Halloween = Candy, Thanksgiving = Food, Christmas = Gifts, New Years = Drinks, Valentines = Sex, Birthdays = ALL OF THE ABOVE

   Ugh, I accidentally spoiled the new Spider-Man movie for myself by seeing "Spider-Man" 10 years ago.

   I don't care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!

   If a midget smokes weed, does he get medium?