Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 336 of 6386
I used my husband’s deodorant, so if you need me to explain how to throw a football I can do that for you.
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10-30-2020 13:14
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Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard. So, just me? Okay.
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10-30-2020 13:11
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*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
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10-30-2020 13:10
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My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
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10-30-2020 13:09
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Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
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10-30-2020 13:09
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This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
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10-30-2020 13:08
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Just think. If all parents were pro-abortion, it's likely we wouldn't be here to argue over it.
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10-30-2020 09:27
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Yellow cars have the lowest crash rate, according a different pole
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10-29-2020 20:28
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i was looking at the bigbustycoons site... Those guys have some big bus companies
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10-29-2020 11:06 by kip
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yellow cars have the highest crash rate, according to a pole
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10-29-2020 11:02 by kip
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I invented the cold air balloon, but it never really took off
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10-29-2020 11:01 by kip
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I dont win marathons because I'm lucky, I win them because I'm driven
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10-29-2020 10:59 by kip
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When I cancelled my gym membership I had to submit a too weak notice
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10-29-2020 10:57 by kip
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I am having a weird day, first I found a hat full of money, then I got chased by a guy with a guitar.
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10-29-2020 09:07
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Anyone else feel like Halloween is unnecessary this year? I mean I’ve been wearing a mask and eating candy for the last seven months. I don’t think I need a day dedicated to it anymore.
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10-29-2020 09:06
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By their early thirties, the average person has unsubscribed from more email lists than they have days left to live.
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10-29-2020 07:27
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Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
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10-29-2020 07:26
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In high school I was voted class clown because I dragged like three kids into the sewer
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10-28-2020 16:10
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Since drinking hasn’t killed me yet, I can only assume it’s making me stronger...
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10-28-2020 16:06
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If you drop a cookie on the floor and bend down to pick it up does that count as a squat?
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10-28-2020 12:54 by moon
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