Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Starting to think my job only wants me for my labor

   If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

   fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

   What did I learn today? Never use a dentist with a huge inflatable molar on his roof.

   If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

   Filipinos: The Mexicans of the Asian Race

   Why does Matt Gaetz hate rush hour on the highway? Because he prefers minor traffic.

   WARNING: If you see a link that tells you to, "Click For Free Nickelback Tickets!", Do not click!! I repeat, DO NOT CLICK!!!! It directs you to a link that will actually give you free Nickelback tickets!!!!

   can’t wait to put “fully vaccinated” on my dating profiles like an adoptable dog.

   Got up early this morning, and fertilized the yard. My neighbor still won't look me in the eye.

   They're called "Heated Seats" because "Rear Defroster" was already taken.

   OK. Who is the genius that decided to call it "emotional baggage" and not "griefcase"?

   Are they still bad habits if I like them?

   In honor of DMX, I encourage everyone to bark loudly at a random stranger.

   I know the Royal family said they would deal with the allegations of racism, but personally, I think this is a bit drastic.

   Just occurred to me that because my BMI permits me to get the vaccine tomorrow, and because the vaccination will enable me to protect myself and others, my thick thighs will in fact save lives.

   Today's Jeopardy Category "Inspirational Presidential Quotes".. UGH..UGH.. YOU KNOW MAN...THE THING!

   I got the Johnson & Johnson vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

   When the economy is bad biscuit companies don't complain, they just remove one piece

   If the vaccine contains a chip, I hope it’s salt and vinegar.