Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm looking at the bright side of having 10 people or less over for Thanksgiving. More turkey for me!

   If you think a college education isn't worth the money, I'm here to tell you that whenever I say something stupid, I can get out of trouble by saying, "Sorry, I was an art major."

   The truth is like a lion. You don't have to defend it. Let it loose. It will defend itself.

   Years ago, I was all set to marry the man of my dreams. On the day we were supposed to elope, he didn’t show up. It took me a year or two to accept he didn’t marry me because he didn’t know I existed, I was 13 and he was Sam Elliot ;-)

   Tortilla paper. When everyone buys out all the toilet paper again, I’ll be using expired tortillas.

   Breaking news!!! They are making a sequel to "Unforgiven" . It's called "Look, I said I was sorry".

   Has anyone suggested the Google Earth app to the Flat Earth Society?

   Remember, it’s not actually a coup unless it comes from the coup d'état region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling authoritarian takeover.

   If you're over 23 and you post pics of yourself flipping the bird, just accept the fact that you're a complete imbecile.

   Keep smiling... and one day life will get tired of upsetting you.

   I joined the Flat Earth Society. I'm hoping they see my stomach the same way they see the planet.

   How come no one has came up with a skeleton turkey inflatable with a santa hat on so you can put it out october 1st and take it down after Christmas.

   Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview? My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

   bert: I want a divorce wife: are u… bert: don’t wife: *holding in laughter* are you sherbert?

   My daughter just found the dog leash and collar Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

   Threesome? No, thanks. If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd have dinner with my parents.

   I put the thingamajig in the whatchamacallit and turned doohickey and wuteveritis still doesn't work. Any ideas?

   The season is upon us and I personally enjoy a nice port wine for dessert. However sometimes a starboard wine is the right choice.

   has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

   when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.