Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

   When I said "I'd hit that" I meant with my car.

   Yesterday a Dwarf Psychic escaped from jail, Police are on the lookout for a small medium at large

   The higher the crime rate in an area the better the chicken wings

   Dear Netfix, Thanks for playing all these post apocalyptic pandemic movies where people get infected and eat each other helping lift my spirits knowing that things could always be worse!

   Be kind to the people wearing masks while driving who might be the people delivering your food.

   to the people who put antlers and a red rudolph nose on your car for christmas, you can’t fool me I know that’s a car

   Not to panic anyone, but Mad Max took place in the year 2021.

   Remember: Wearing a mask when driving a car by yourself is only helpful if you stole the car.

   [inventor of teapot] “I want this water to scream”

   Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

   Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs? Nobody works at Walmart?

   I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

   I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

   App: This app would like to use your location. Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

   I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

   I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

   Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner. Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

   I was conceived at a Pink Floyd concert, and while I’ve gone on with my life, my parents are still there waiting for them to finish playing Dark Side of the Moon.

   Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.