Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 323 of 6386
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road
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12-02-2020 08:01
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
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12-02-2020 08:00
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My Mom finally brought my Dad’s urn into the living room and placed it on the mantle. It caught everyone a little off guard including my Dad who was just sitting there watching Duck Dynasty.
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12-02-2020 08:00
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Me to my son: "Hey, look at this article. It says, 'Vaccines are ready to roll, thanks to beeyotch." My son: "That word is 'biotech', dad."
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12-02-2020 07:57 by Fazzy
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thank you all for donating to my gofundme to pay for my surgery; I have decided to buy 600 playstations with the money
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12-02-2020 07:51
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Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
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12-01-2020 15:47
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I used to think nudism was weird. Then I started doing my own laundry.
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12-01-2020 14:30
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Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
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12-01-2020 14:29
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Why is ham the only lunch meat that gets its own radio
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12-01-2020 14:28
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You’ve been married more than 10 years so when your husband says he has big plans for you tomorrow he means he needs help cleaning the gutters
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12-01-2020 11:56
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The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
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12-01-2020 08:57
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It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
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12-01-2020 08:54
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My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
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12-01-2020 08:49
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Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say Moderna: ours is 195% Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
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12-01-2020 08:49
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I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
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12-01-2020 08:49
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I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
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12-01-2020 08:49
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Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
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12-01-2020 08:48
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I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
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12-01-2020 08:48
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Mandating masks outdoors is like mandating seatbelts when you’re not in a car.
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12-01-2020 07:23
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I just saved hundreds of dollars on my car insurance by leaving the scene of an accident!
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11-30-2020 14:13
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