Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A woman asked if I'd like a cherry cordial. I high fived myself and said, "Finally! A virgin!" Turned out she was only offering me candy.

   Do I have to have watch Spiderman one, two, three, one, two, one, and two to understand what’s going on in Spiderman 3?

   We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated. Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

   I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

   “Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN” -Costco.

   I read about a cloister of monks where you have to be at least 6'5" to join. That's a pretty tall order.

   If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake. – birds

   Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

   Blowing on the vodka in my coffee cup to convince the rest of the Zoom meeting it's coffee...

   Cops got new drunk driving tests. There’s one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Nancy pelosi & ask you, ‘Is she attractive?’

   I've decided to buy a Dallas Cowboys Covid mask. That way I know I won't catch anything.

   I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

   they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard

   Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

   Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

   My wife asked me to put up a canopy with bright lights. I told her now is the winter of our disco tent.

   Just watch the movie Tenet. It felt like a glorifed Back to the Future. Except with more plot holes.

   I just saw a Ritz Crackers commercial with some frootcake putting on lipstick, then going over his blowboy's house for huggy time. The world is ending.

   A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the beer is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

   To be or not to be is no longer the question for a man named William Shakespeare who received the first vaccine shot who is to be!