Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The dating pool definitely has pee in it

   We’re being punished for making too many things from cauliflower.

   Can’t, getting kicked out of the living room for snickering when my son’s teacher said “Where am I gonna put the bone?”

   My dog has been looking for a spot to sh*t since 1958.

   Arm wrestling your spouse for the last donut is not foreplay, I know this now.

   not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

   2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

   I discretely pass gas around the house just to make non of my family members have covid

   We must learn to accept things. Such as Biden winning the presidency and the fact that it was a sham.

   Good newsh, I'm shurvivfing the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss!

   Last year for Christmas I got a sweater...this year I am hoping for a moaner or screamer.

   Aman ; I couldn't find the thing that peels the carrots & potatoes, so I asked the kids if they had seen it .... apparently, she left me yesterday.

   Have you noticed how much tires cost these days? Is that because of inflation or what?

   Glad to see the vaccine has been released today in the US and it's not made by the Clorox cleaning company.

   When the doc said my prostate was healthy this morning, I was deeply touched.

   That awkward moment when the operator asks you to read back the confirmation number.

   Anytime anyone says they want to see me topless I secretly hope they mean cut in half.

   I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

   Anyone know any jokes I could tell without losing 10 Facebook friends?

   Please don't tell China I know all kinds of Super Secret Stuff! They might send one of those Hot Chinese Spies to Work me Over!