Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

   How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

   I’ve washed my hands three times and showered twice and I still have the smell on my fingers. Fresh rosemary is the herpes of herbs.

   You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

   Trump gets criticized for wanting to boink his own daughter, but dam, I want to boink her too.

   2021 Reality Check: You're not actually expecting things to get any better at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve, are you?

   B4 sliced Bread, what was the Greatest thing ?

   Look. Those Christmas Walmart roll back prices are only for believers in the baby Jesus!

   Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

   Elf on a Shelf? WTF? Back in my day, if a doll came to life, it murdered your whole family and everyone you loved. Kids are too coddled these days.

   Somewhere there is a Mom yelling “ I swear I’ll take all this crap back”

   I know some surfer chicks who started a prostitution ring. They call themselves the Wavy Lays.

   Some drink from fountain of knowledge others just gargle

   Outlook for the rest of winter ... Criss de colisse de tabarnak?!?

   Can someone please go to MeWe and Parlor and wish them a Merry Christmas.

   Just because you have a guitar, Christmas outfit and the Christmas tree doesn't necessarily mean you have the talent to sing on Facebook.

   Forget the past for you cannot change it. Forget the future for you cannot predict it. And while you're at it forget the present because I didn't get you one this year.

   Don't forget to wave smile and wish your neighbors a Merry Christmas who are kind like Facebook friends you might not really know either, but live closer.

   I can’t wait for my bank account to say $601.50

   If $1200 was crumbs. What is $600 a bite