Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

   Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

   Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard Wife: *smirking* ok Me: *pulls out my game boy*

   My Grandmother is telling me a story of how my Grandfather turned into a sex machine after he got Alzheimer’s bc he thought she was his hot new girlfriend and would tell her, “you’re nothing like that hellcat I was married to”

   If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

   I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

   Happy MILK day...!

   Move heathen! Get out of my way! Move heathen! Get out of my way! - me driving down the highway in the morning

   today I'll be celebrating MLK day...I'm going to sleep in late & have a dream

   The IRS started the post ya kids challenge so they can verify y’all dependents 🥴‼️

   I parked in front of gym today & ate lunch #Babysteps

   Whenever I email a girl I like with my old flip phone I always make sure to finish it off by writing "Sent by IPhone 5G Mobile Device" so she thinks I'm hip.

   As a kid my father used to hit me with his camera. I still get flashbacks

   How is Peter Parker selling pictures of himself dressed as Spider-Man any different from onlyfans

   I took out $15,000 of student loans and since I graduate last May I repaid $2,000 and now I am so glad to share that I only have $15,633 left to pay

   an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

   Chicken Parmesan is just regular Parmesan that’s too afraid to ask her if she wants to dance

   why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

   My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

   Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?