Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just paid for a 12 month gym membership. My bank called to see if my credit card was stolen.

   Finding out there's no Q is just as devastating as a child finding out Santa isn't real.

   Women say they want security. At least that's what the scream when I come near them.

   Will someone please tell Kamala that she doesn't have to sleep with her boss to get a promotion this time ?

   I went on a blind date today. It didn't start out that way, but she brought pepper spray...

   Does the White House have a " "smoking room"? Asking for Hunter.

   Peter Griffith : Now There's a Family Guy .

   If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

   This Inauguration thingy look kinda fancy for a man that still owes me $600

   Now that Biden won, watch me not wear his name on a hat or fly his flag on my lawn for 4 years like a f**kin weirdo.

   Biden will be the 2nd Catholic (JFK was the first) to ever hold the office of the Presidency.

   Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

   I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

   I wonder if Bill Cosby's hoping to be on Trump's final pardon list today

   Post Malone and Luke Combs could probably really do some permanent damage on peoples hearts if they wrote a song together

   So. . . Are they gonna use the NFL cardboard cutouts for an audience?

   I've seen umpteen Facebook posts from folks claiming it would be their last. Nope.

   It’s going to be a lot harder to overthrow the US Government on Pinterest.

   Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

   if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years