Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please let's keep it private on Valentine's day this year with the "I'm so in love!" posts, as some of us are single here.

   McDonald's can mess up your order thousands of times, but a small business makes one mistake and unmercifully gets bashed throughout all eternity.

   Me: [donating body to Science] Science: [donates my body to Goodwill]

   My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

   shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

   oh shiit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and I legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

   Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

   Starting to suspect I was bitten by a radioactive idiot

   Waiter: Would you like a Chef's Salad, Caesar Salad or Cobb Salad salad with your ribeye? Me: None. I don't eat the food my food eats.

   Find the man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn't care if it's on your legs.

   Find the man strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn't care if it's on your legs.

   Show her you care this Valentine's Day by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.

   To all 6 of you who like the jokes I post, I do it all for you!

   I always knew I’d end up drunk in a gutter. I just didn’t expect everyone around me to keep bowling.

   Remember how you used to love getting all new school supplies and now you just steal them from the office?

   Biden won because Don's a con.

   Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra. Now both arms are sore

   [Vaccination center] Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please

   My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

   I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)