Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage tip #2: If your wife is acting kind of tired, to help her out, you can make her a to-do list. And when you give it to her, she will be thankful that you did all the thinking work for her.

   Marriage tip #1: If your wife asks you if the outfit she's wearing makes her look fat, just tell her that if she ran at the gym like she ran her mouth at home, she wouldn't have to ask that question.

   The left will blame Donald T for all of Joe B's failures because it's easier than admitting they elected the wrong guy.

   glad all they boyfriends and husbands and People are away

   Maybe now that we’ve kept Joe busy writing his name for a week, we should move onto shapes and colors.

   It's slushing! Which is how we say in the South it's snowing.

   According to research, sex during pregnancy is always safe — unless your wife comes home and catches you.

   You ever get a friend request and be like, “Nah, you look like you steal copper”

   A man goes to the white house to see trump the Marine guard tells him Trump is no longer the president and is not here. The man returns the next day asking to see trump

   If a supervisor at work gets the Covid, do the people who kiss his ass have to get tested? Asking for a friend.

   Police: Where you going? Me: With you once you run my name !

   Her: What sign are you most attracted to? Me: The Dunkin Donuts sign.

   Before there was Facebook and Twitter there was "As World Turns" and "The Days of Our Lives" for cusip.

   I think I’d rather be asleep than woke. They seem to be so unhappy

   I don’t need the Government to run my life. I can screw it up all by myself.

   When this Covid thing is over "is starting to sound like... "When the DALLAS COWBOYS win the Super Bowl"

   "When covid Is over" Is starting to sound like "when the Dealls Cowboys win the Super Bowl.

   Do Chinese cities have Americatowns?

   No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

   I made a belt out of herbs; what a waist of thyme.