Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't worry Texans, the snow will disappear like magic in April.

   What's with all the hearts on Facebook?

   It snowed in Texas for the first time ever. That's cold.

   If you ever wondering why Vincent van Gogh was such a good friend, He was willing to lend an ear.

   Marking myself safe from singles awareness day.

   nothing sacred? First girls allowed in the Boy Scouts and now Pitbull in NASCAR.

   If your ever wondering which baseball player has the shortest commute to work, it's the catcher who only works from home.

   Did you hear about the new squirrel diet? It's just nuts.

   If you want to know why Paul McCartney never invited Ringo to dinner, he wouldn't share the drumsticks.

   I probably would be celebrating St Valentine's today but I have scruples and can't forgive Madonna for dating that male dancer Ahlamalik Williams.

   Just to let you know, I'm never gonna let you forget how you believed that a secret cabal of Satan-worshipping, cannibalistic pedophiles was running a global child sex-trafficking ring and plotted against our country. Seriously, what were you smoking????

   Daytona 500 at the Daytona International Speedway today. International? Really? Which car is the guy from Mumbai driving?

   "Your The Only One For Me" Valentine's Day cards on sale 2 for $5 just seems wrong, totally wrong.

   It's Valentine's Day so I'm spending time with my true love...yes I'm in the garage.

   The Mail In vote, the senate convicted Trump 7360 to 5.

   Happy Valentines ay, ladies. Don't worry, you'll be getting the D soon.

   No woman will ever be truly satisfied on Valentines day because no man has a chocolate slong wrapped in money that ejaculates diamonds.

   Gave my wife leftover candy from Halloween and she says “why is this candy shaped like a ghost? “ I says “cuz you my boo”.

   Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

   Some would call me a "Foodie", but that definition is too refined. I'm more along the lines of a glutton.