Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 294 of 6386
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong.
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02-19-2021 08:47
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Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
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02-19-2021 08:04
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Going to spend the weekend cleaning in case Publisher's Clearinghouse shows up at my door with TV cameras and a check.
Tonight we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew for supper... we found Himalayan on the road!
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02-18-2021 19:08
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Upside: I had a dream that NASCAR teamed up with NASA and came up with a flying car. Downside: It only made left turns.
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02-18-2021 17:09 by Fazzy
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I'll believe in climate change when Texas freezes over!
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02-18-2021 13:18
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Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
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02-18-2021 10:46
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I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
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02-18-2021 10:45
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Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
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02-18-2021 10:44
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When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
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02-18-2021 10:43
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I like a guy who can grow his own winter coat. -Me hitting on Bigfoot
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02-18-2021 10:43
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I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
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02-18-2021 10:42
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The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
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02-18-2021 10:42
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Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
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02-18-2021 10:42
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My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
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02-18-2021 10:41
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Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
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02-18-2021 10:41
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If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
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02-18-2021 10:41
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If you enter into a relationship and discover she has 5 kids and a Yorkshire Terrier, give it up. There's no way you'll ever take precedence over the Yorkie.😛
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02-18-2021 08:50 by Fazzy
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If they can get their student loans forgiven, then I want my car loan forgiven. ALL LOANS MATTER
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02-18-2021 06:02
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I would imagine I'll react with double the glee when Sleepy Joe dies as you clowns feel about Rush.
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02-17-2021 22:35 by DC
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