Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can’t wait to put “fully vaccinated” on my dating profiles like an adoptable dog.

   Got up early this morning, and fertilized the yard. My neighbor still won't look me in the eye.

   They're called "Heated Seats" because "Rear Defroster" was already taken.

   OK. Who is the genius that decided to call it "emotional baggage" and not "griefcase"?

   Are they still bad habits if I like them?

   In honor of DMX, I encourage everyone to bark loudly at a random stranger.

   I know the Royal family said they would deal with the allegations of racism, but personally, I think this is a bit drastic.

   Just occurred to me that because my BMI permits me to get the vaccine tomorrow, and because the vaccination will enable me to protect myself and others, my thick thighs will in fact save lives.

   Today's Jeopardy Category "Inspirational Presidential Quotes".. UGH..UGH.. YOU KNOW MAN...THE THING!

   I got the Johnson & Johnson vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

   When the economy is bad biscuit companies don't complain, they just remove one piece

   If the vaccine contains a chip, I hope it’s salt and vinegar.

   The only Marx I want to hear about is Groucho

   It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

   Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

   Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

   I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

   Welcome to your 40’s: everyone is twelve now.

   Just read that michelangelo painted the sistine chapel on his back. Must’ve been really difficult reaching that bit between his shoulders.

   Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day. Wife: IT’S 8 AM