Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone who went to school and got a degree in graphic design put time and effort into designing the butterfly design on my toilet paper

   "I like when the girl makes the first move" - Wussy

   How do you get high on life? That would save me a ton of money on street drugs.

   Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.

   I've used my wife's conditioner even though she told me more than once not to. Because I'm a rebel. A rebel with coconut dream hair.

   You say "guy friend" but what I really am is a very patient, milquetoast, khakis wearing dude hoping to catch you at your most horniest.

   do siamese twins call their colons a "semicolon"?

   Some people think it's them against the world, when actually, it's usually them against themselves.

   There should be a Disney princess who lives in a ghetto... just to give hope to all the black girls out there

   Nothing is better than watching a woman getting in touch with herself. Especially if she lets me watch

   The rudeness, the incompetence, the "attitude." I'm never using the self checkout again.

   Paddle faster. I hear banjos.

   The best thing about online classes is the beer.

   I wasn't sure that I was hungry enough to eat a whole pizza, so I sliced it into six pieces instead of eight.

   Being born was such a shock that I didn't speak for nearly two years afterwards...and still not normally.

   My favorite exercise at the gym would definitely be judging.

   I find it highly suspicious that the three bears had the dexterity to buy furniture and make porridge in the first place.

   While looking down at my shorts, my wife said "well somebodies happy to see me" To which I replied "No its just a Samsung Galaxy MEGA in my pocket"

   I used to worry that today's kids will ruin the planet when they grow up until I realized most the adults I know are idiots...

   Me and the missus have got an aviary at home, but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80s music. Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark....