Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I once shot a man in Reno with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.

   Singer Meat Loaf has died. He will be cremated at 375° for 1 hour. His ashes will be mixed with mashed potatoes, gravy and green beans.

   Apparently referring to a Menage at Trois as a 2 for 1 snack pack will get your Christian Mingle profile deleted

   Holding a grudge don't make you strong; it makes you bitter. Forgiving doesn't make you weak; it sets you free.

   Never allow making a living to become such an obsession to where it prevents you from actually living.

   I don't care about rules because I'm a rebel, man. Yesterday I got on a bus and I stood in front of the white line and talked to the driver about Fight Club while the bus was moving.

   I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

   Female NFL Referee: [Drops Penalty Flag]. Player: What did I do? Female NFL Referee: You know what you did.

   I accidentally changed my GPS voice to “Male”. Now it just says “it’s around here somewhere, just keep driving”.

   I got flipped off three times by the same woman today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

   I like having fraud protection on my credit cards but it’s a little insulting to receive an alert just because I bought name-brand toilet paper.

   In the new woke version, The Terminator is a woman. Her line is, "I should be back but I don't know, I'll see how my day goes."

   I swear some of yall blame Biden for everything, yet if trump was president none of you would blame trump

   You mean the high prices of gas and groceries which is happening all over the world because of a pandemic? Grow up and accept that Trump lost fair and square.

   I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

   It's only been 1 year of Biden! Let that sink in for a bit while you decide if you want gas OR groceries.

   I don't know about you, but I think it's patriotic to be poor and misguided.

   I don't know how I can keep on living, knowing I was wrong about bad consequences of legalizing weed. I hate being told "I told you so".

   Todays Mexican world of the day is DALLAS.....because this is dallas game the Cowboys will play this season.

   Not sure that "What's gotten into you?" is the best opening line when you run into a friend that you hadn't seen in a while and is pregnant.