Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Better late than ever definantly applies to your menstrual cycle. 
If Steve Harvey managed to lose his oversized suits, then there is hope for you too to become a better person.
JAB, I had a nightmare I was a Toronto Maple Leafs fan. That's one dream I was glad to wake up from, I'm still laughing. Go Bruins. . .
My career as a Walmart greeter was cut short when the manager noticed me singing "Welcome to the Jungle" to every customer
Someone walked up to me today and handed me a bible. So I flipped it open and autographed it. As I handed it back to the lady (who looked very confused), I smiled and said.. "It's always nice to meet a fan!"
Angelina Jolie getting a double mastectomy to reduce the risk of breast cancer is like me cutting my junk off because I might bet blue balls
"Guess I'll turn on the news to see what the government is up to" - The President of the United States
"You have sexy calves." -Pedophile bull
Hugh Hefner- 87 years old, has 27 years old wife; Berlusconi -77 years old, has a 27 years old girlfriend; Maradona- 52 years old, has a 22 years old girlfriend. Moral : Don't worry that you don't have a girlfriend or wife, your's probably isn't born yet.
If you can't handle me on Facebook then you definitely don't deserve me at my best! Wait...this is my best!!! Guys, please love me.
Stages of Status Updating: 1. Whatever. 2. Good for waiting rooms. 3. Pulled over at the side of the road so you don't forget a great status update.
I spend an inordinate amount of time at the gym. Mostly in the parking lot, where I ponder alternative solutions like liposuction and tapeworms.
"I don't wanna go there, We should never go there". - Fat people singing about the gym.
The easiest person to make fun of is me... But also that guy at Sam's Club who was stalking the corn dog samples. Oh wait....... Also me. Carry on
Guys that are afraid of spiders, what color did you get your nails painted on Mother's Day?
Almost everybody opens their Facebook to see if they got a message. Almost nobody opens the bible, which is full of messages for them.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.
I am like a hardware store. I screw. I nut. I bolt.
Admit it, the only thing that can make your lazy ass get up is when your laptop says 5% Battery Remaining.
People are what they do, not what they say. 