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I have finally figured out what's wrong with my brain - on the left there is nothing right and on the right there is nothing left...
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05-27-2021 17:38
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Somedays You just have to have an Attitude of Gratitude !
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05-27-2021 10:52
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Getting older is tough and I’ve tried to age gracefully but nothing prepared me for seeing Ice-T in a commercial for laundry detergent.
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05-27-2021 09:49
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Don't spell part backwards.. it's a trap
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05-27-2021 09:44
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Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
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05-27-2021 07:34
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No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
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05-27-2021 07:34
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How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
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05-27-2021 07:31
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"Elon Musk" sounds like a new fragrance from Pierre Cardin.
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05-27-2021 06:52
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This thing of “Sorry babe I was sleeping” must come to an end. People must decide whether they want to sleep, or to be in a relationship.
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05-27-2021 00:21
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Masturbat¡on is like s€x, but without the smells and major clean-up.
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05-26-2021 11:34
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They don't need to microchip you. You're literally holding a tracking device right now.
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05-25-2021 22:59
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I’m trying to teach our self cleaning oven how to do the rest of the house.
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05-25-2021 08:35
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I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
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05-25-2021 08:26
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It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
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05-25-2021 08:26
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Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
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05-25-2021 08:24
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Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 10 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct.
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05-25-2021 07:40
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Some random number just texted me thinking he was texting his manager saying that he was gonna be a few minutes late today. So I just gave him the day off.
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05-24-2021 15:21 by
@svaldez187
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Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
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05-24-2021 15:09
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Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
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05-24-2021 08:13
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Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
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05-24-2021 08:12
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