Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If anyone ever texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from state farm"

   FUN FACT: Only one word in the English language is ever pronounced correctly, and that word is correctly.

   Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.

   Why are there jelly donuts but no peanut butter donuts? And why no peanut butter and jelly donuts? And why is my mother an alcoholic?

   I wonder if guys who masturbate to feet, ever get off on the wrong foot..... ba-dum ching (Don't get up, I'll let myself out.)

   Ugh....... I can never decide which color of shower puff is the most gangster.

   For all you Xbox fans I guess you won't be getting a game console this year but more like a voice and gesture based TV remote box.

   If you don't like gay marriage blame straight people. They're the ones who keep on having gay babies.

   Toys R Us sells toys. Bikes R Us sells bikes. Imagine my disappointment when I went next door to Babies R Us

   Everyone I know is either getting married or pregnant, I'm just getting drunk

   I really gotta start saying "congratulations" Instead of "are you keeping it?"

   Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"

   They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I've never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.

   I once visited The Virgin Islands. When I left, they were just called The Islands.

   This morning, I got robbed in the shower by some soap scum.

   If two people in wheelchairs are having a conversation, is it considered mobile to mobile?

   I'm looking forward to looking back on this month.

   Khakis: What you need to start a car in Boston.

   Drank way too much beer last night. Didn't leave any for this morning.

   woke up this morning with a serious case of sexyback.