Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your ex will leave you, talk bad about you, act like they never knew you, miss you, hit you up and wonder why you don't reply... F*CK YOU

   I don’t understand why some people are SO obsessed about having friends…. Last time I checked caskets didn’t come with bunk beds…. f*ck em.

   Drake music be having you missing somebody else's ex.

   99 problems.... but a blessing will come.

   Fake eyelashes are okay if they look natural, but some of you women look like you gonna take flight if you blink too fast.

   I wish a girl would invite me in her house and not give me that ass.... B*tch I'm slamming doors, banging pots and blowing the horn when I leave.

   Ghetto people are always naming their kids after stuff they cant afford: Mercedes, Diamond, Bentley, Pearl, Light Bill, Rent, Car Insurance.

   You cannot solve a woman with the same level that other guys tried.

   I'm allergic to alcohol. I break out in Sexyness and and in extreme cases nudity, walking pneumonia and the boogie woogie flu!

   My wife bet me that I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her expression when I drove pasta!

   Watched my first porno today... I looked much younger back then.

   The number one rule when you are broke is to stop talking about being broke. Nobody wants you taking out your harmonica and singing the blues every time they talk to you.

   I'm allergic to some alcohol. I break out in Sexyness and and in extreme cases nudity...

   The next Fast and the Furious should just be two hours of a guy doing steroids inside of a Nissan Cube.

   My nickname for my mother was Hannibal Lecture....

   If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side in the middle of the night...

   Those fake living rooms at IKEA should have a couple in them trying to assemble IKEA furniture and fighting.

   What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.

   My wife just asked me if I noticed anything different about her hair, so took the easy way out and did a triple backflip into a volcano.

   Never bring a spoon to a spork fight ツ