Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes we spend too much time thinking about someone who doesn’t even think of us for a second.

   Thinking of going back to MySpace, pretty sure the even the NSA does not follow anyone over there

   Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I'm trying to update my e-harmony profile

   Of all the people that ignore me... you're my favorite.

   The NSA says it stopped a Wall Street attack, just not the ginormous ones the bankers perpetrated.

   Ladies... If your going to post "Selfie" pics from the bathroom... Can't you atleast make sure the toliet is not in the picture...

   Remember: 'Stressed' is just 'Desserts' spelt backwards.

   Girls that text "kk" instead of "ok" are only like 3 bananas away from burning a cross in somebody's front yard

   You call it "stalking"... I call it "giving you the attention you deserve"...

   "Bailiff! Why is this evidence covered in chocolate pudding?" Because, your honor, *smiles* The proof is in the- "Get out of my courtroom."

   Religion is like tequila; relatively harmless, but excessive quantities will make you do stupid things.

   what if aliens have already invaded and once they take over your body, they force you to take pictures of yourself doing the duckface and post in on Facebook...

   "We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight around here." - Corporate ants.

   have you ever stood in front of the mirror and said to yourself "who the hell is this person? and then suddenly realize you're standing in front of a coffee shop window staring at a cop...

   I'm here to kick ass and mispronounce names.

   Damn girl are you the new Superman movie? Cause I have no interest in seeing you.

   I'm not shy around women. I'm realistic.

   I'm a grown ass man. I don't play childish games. School was over for me a long time ago. Be honest, be true or be gone.

   Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.

   If on Father's day you don't post a picture of your dad carrying you as a baby, I'm not sure you really "love" him.