Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hear a bunch of weird animals, beeps, and clicking. Wish me luck people, I'm going into walmart......

   Please forgive me, I got excited copying and pasting your status that I forgot to like it.

   Congratulations Kanye for setting your daughter up to be teased with corny pickup lines all throughtout her school years. "Hey North West, wanna switch directions and go down on the "dirty south" with me?"

   Saying that athiests can't say "OMG" because they're godless is like saying theists can't say "common sense" because they lack it.

   I'm old enough to remember when there was only 1 fat kid in the class photo.

   Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might crap your pants

   "Its not you,, Its me."--- Twins going through a photo album

   One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

   If I owned a copy shop, I'd only hire identical twins to work there.

   With all the Potato Chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...

   If being a vegitarian is so awesome, how come they want that $hit to look like meat??

   A sense of humor is a man's cleavage

   I want to pause for a moment to remember all my friends that gave a life in Candy Crush Saga. Your sacrifice has not gone unnoticed

   I burn bridges just to be able to light up my bong.

   BREAKING NEWS!! Hillary will not be running for Prez in 2016 due to the brain tumor found during her recent colonoscopy!

   Me Monday ƪ(´~`")∫ Tuesday (-____-)"" Wednesday (⌣́_⌣̀) Thursday Ҩ( > ̯ < )Ҩ Friday (ˆ⌣ˆ)ง Saturday ~('▽'~) (~'▽')~ Sunday (˘ʃ_ƪ˘)

   Blind people would be a lot more exciting if they carried around swords.

   If you're buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I'm sorry to tell you it's not working

   I be talking fast as hell at the gas station when I'm broke . . . lemmeget5on2

   So Blue Ivy got the stripper name, and North West got the direction to the strip club? Nice, team work.