Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I see you there, trying to get my attention. Flashing me, you're not sexy, you disgust me. All the time I've spent waiting on you, always taking up my time, the promise of greater things...and for nothing! Go away Java update notification.

   Honestly, I've never seen anyone fall because of a banana peel.

   If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... Like you ate a pinecone every single d

   Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family.

   Never trust a dog to guard your food.

   Sure, I COULD stop doing that but then I wouldn't be annoying you

   I could scroll down my Facebook newsfeed and write a country song!!

   I think you should fall in love with a terrible person and complain about it on the Internet for years.

   We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.

   Your soulmate is out there. Crying in their car, listening to 90s rap while you waste your life with people you don't even like.

   My imaginary friend is bullying me !! (o.0)

   My middle finger on each hand has a six pack.......

   Which marketing genius at Trident thought that the Latin word for 'three teeth' would be a good name for a sugarless gum?

   Friends who buy you food are friends for life.!!

   I'd do anything for you if I can trust you with my pizza.

   If exercise eliminates excess fat how come some people have double chins?

   Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

   Dear Michelle Obama. The White House is NOT like a prison. American citizens can visit prisons.

   doesn't wear a yellow hat when he goes to the zoo because he doesn't want any of the monkeys following him home.

   Dear Curiosity: Just put the gun down and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Cat.