Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I found a 129.00 Kylie Minogue concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail.

   The best way to surprise your partner in bed is by dying in your sleep.

   My Pride flag is up all year around, it's red, white, and blue. Merica' 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

   I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

   The way they're sending civilians into space nowadays is one small step for man one impossible leap for anyone who doesn't have a million dollars who'd like to go.

   ‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

   When I order something online and there's a "Delivery Notes" box I put "Cross moat, Slay dragon, Leave item on back porch."

   You know you're broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.

   Whenever I leave a restaurant, I always stop by a random table and say, “Thank you for taking care of our check.”

   Don't expect me to stop if you break down on the road. I'm sure that you were warned about your car's warranty expiring.

   Cosby gets out of prison and onto a bus. Next to a long rock wall he finds a letter. He goes to Mexico where he finds Epstein working on a boat.

   Them: Did you adopt your cat? Me: No, it’s my biological cat.

   William Shatner has discontinued his new line of ladies lingerie. Apparently "Shatner Panties" wasn't the best choice for a name.

   Blood is red, ultraviolet lights are blue, I’ve seen enough murder shows, they will never find you.

   Assert dominance at your friend’s house by taking a massive dump.

   Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times they chase me down the street after I give them a wedgie.

   Dear Newsy, If you keep playing old news stories on repeat its no longer called Newsy, it's called History.

   Math Rock is a term meant to describe music that is complex in rhythmic structure. But in reality, all rock is Math Rock. Some is Calculus, some is Algebra, some is Arithmetic and some is Pre-K Introduction to Numbers.

   How the hell did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?

   I still have the Wooden Nickels I collected as a kid. I was an early investor in Birchcoin.