Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to thank my trusted speech writers: Ctrl-C and Ctrl-V.

   FACT: If you said “all of my music is in the cloud” in the 1960s, it was due to mushrooms, not Apple.

   Driving 32 miles to buy the same apples I could get 50% cheaper at the local grocery store 1 mile from my place is the reason why I absolutely love Autumn.

   The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?

   Toughest job I ever had was as a door to door salesman, selling doors. Every time I knocked, I thought, “Screw it, they’ve already got one.”

   Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by just about everything

   I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask

   Just got back from town. There would be so much less clutter if only the business that were'nt hiring put up signs. . .

   I'm currently writing a folk song about bland pudding, it's called "That's Pudding it Mildly"

   I'm never eating a edible again. I watched an entire movie on mute and started crying because I thought I was deaf.

   So let me get this straight -- they left the porridge on the table and went for a walk, and the 3 bowls cooled down at different rates?

   Whenever I'm in a restaurant and the waitperson says they are short-staffed I tell them "Well then you need to hire taller staff."

   "How much do you spend on wine?" Me: about 30 minutes

   I'm so dumb, when the bartender said "drinks on the house," I got a ladder.

   If I was told when I was a kid that in the future, the press would glorify a drug addled jigaboo repeat offending felon who resisted arrest and would ignore 13 servicemen who died, I wouldn't have believed it. Yet here we are.

   Why is it that Every time I use a plunger, it feels like I am giving my toilet CPR?

   CDC ~ Center to deceive and control.

   Let go of my ears, I know what I’m doing.

   I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

   I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.