Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nice try speed bumps, it's a rental.

   You're hiking. Smokey the Bear appears smoking a cigar. He nods, flicks it into a pile of leaves and smiles, "No one will ever believe you."

   It is now day 11 of the government shutdown and we knew sooner or later something like this was going to happen. Despite the national parks being shut down, several men were severely mauled by bears yesterday. But enough about the New York Giants.

   Sticks and stones may break your bones but PMS can kill you.

   BREAKING: The Washington Redskins, due to the embarrassing nature of their name, have decided to remove the "Washington" from it.

   The Washington Redskins will now be known just as the Redskins because many people find the word "Washington" offensive.

   Breaking: Redskins considering dropping the Name Washington.

   Before you diagnose yourself with anxiety, first make sure that's not only a realistic fear of surrounded by a$$hole harasser stalkers.

   I never did learn how to set the time on a VCR. These kids have no idea how good they have it.

   I can turn any song into the explict version if I dont really know the words.

   its Columbus Day! Find some people who look comfortable and make them move!

   note to self........when arguing with the wife at a public get together "Go wait in the car for me" is not a smart thing to say

   I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.

   Columbus was in Puerto Rico in the 15th century. Pocahontas was 17th century Virginia. FAIL!

   It must take an awful lot of self-control to work in a bubble-wrap factory.

   I tried to decorate for Columbus day......but there really isn't ANY decorations out there for it.....so I threw a VHS tape of Pocahontas onto the font lawn....I will have to do...

   National No Bra Day was off the hook.

   Knock knock." ..."Who's there?" " ..."Doorbell repair guy"

   A JOB you say? You mean when the person @ the top (CEO) makes the most money, then the vice-president below, then middle management, then store managers/supervisors, then the hard-working employees at the bottom. Hmmm looks like a pyramid scheme to me.

   Thanks, commercials. Thanks to you, handing my wife a Snickers has become a "statement."