Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am really glad the shutdown is over. I'll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.

   If we eat, we die. If we don't eat, we die. I choose death by chocolate....

   WAl Mart needs to teach those 7 year kids in China how to make better products

   I'm pretty sure Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are slowly melting together into one person

   Breaking News: Verizon has been called in to engineer the electricals.

   What if Jesus was real and not really from heaven but a man from the distant future and the people considered his technology as miracles?

   You can’t claim you eat ass yet skip the first slice of bread. It doesn’t work like that.

   A TV show where it's just a bunch of really fat people, seated & trying to get their phones out of the front pockets of their jeans.

   The girl I like said yes! She wants to marry me! It's like this gun I'm pointing to her face is magical.

   Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing

   Would you like a table?" "No not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please"

   you know somethings wrong in this culture when a math teacher makes $30,000 a year and Kanye can rent the AT&T stadium and propose to Kim with a 15 carat diamond and all he sings is crap music

   I was so confused as a kid, my parents said "Don't take candy from strangers". Then on Halloween they sent me to random strangers door for candy.WTH was that about?

   if you have painful gas in your stomach, lay on your back and lift your left knee to your chest. You'll fart it right out.

   Confuse people who bring hotel breakfast to you in bed by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?"

   I learned about life from 'Adventures In Babysitting.' The city is full of freaks and as long as your hair is fabulous you will not die

   The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn't even apply for the job.

   If each day is a gift, I'd like to know where I can return Monday.

   10 out of 2 people are dyslexic.

   Report out of Nashville: Dolly Parton in traffic accident. Her dual "airbags" obviously saved her life. 😊