Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.

   AD/HD HGHWAY TO ....hey look , a squirrel

   After our breakup, my ex once begged me over and over again to go out, or as my lawyer called it "Violating a Protection Order"

   As the proud parents of a high school senior, my wife and I want our son to be successful and have all the things we couldn't ever afford. Then we want to move in with him.

   Wait til last minute to buy Christmas presents for the elderly, could save you lots of money..

   After much experience paying bank overdraft fees, I have come to believe it can't be mere coincidence that all the letters found in "Debit Card" can be rearranged to spell "baD Credit"...

   If he doesn't grab your hips and pretend to bone when you bend over for something, it's not love. Or he's mature and well... boring.

   I don't need a president in charge of my gall bladder...

   Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.

   The most enjoyable form of the "50 Shades of Grey" is the Braille edition.

   Are the Red Sox supposed to be Amish metrosexuals for Halloween?

   Here's an idea....maybe Obama can grow a beard until the Obamacare website works

   •*´¨`*•.¸¸¸.•*´¨`*• ¸.·´¯`·.¸¸><((((º>

   I accidently clicked on a picture of Miley Cyrus twerking......and now I think I have an STD

   Nothing makes an 80 year old Grandma from St. Louis cuss like two ballplayers in a World Series Game who simply watch an easy to catch pop fly simply fall to the ground.

   Remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs. Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Bucket". It consists of nothing but chicken crap.

   I went out clubbing last night. I got 12 baby seals; a new personal best.

   Twerking and selfie have been officially added to the dictionary. Future and Optimism have been removed.

   According to Facebook, Jackie Chan has died 486 times. I must admit that is a rather incredible stunt...

   It's funny how Facebook will suspend me for 30 days if I send out friend requests to people they constantly suggest to me, but it's ok for them to bombard the right side of my page with scantily clad women in my area who supposedly want to date me!