Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.

   A satisfied woman will roll over and ignore you. If she's wanting "cuddles" then you suck at sex.

   Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.

   I'm sick of being the guy everyone comes to when they want the money I owe them.

   I don't believe in god but I believe in my god given rights.

   Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it's an intervention.

   Ladies; If he doesn't think you're a little bit crazy, he's not paying enough attention to you.

   Chances are, if you're just a little bit smart assy, I like you.

   Girl, are you a plumber? Cause I just felt the last ounce of romance drain from our relationship.

   Broke parents are why I have trust fund issues.

   Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.

   Hey man, I didn't see you at ninja class last night

   It's like my date doesn't even care about some of the core problems that faced the software development industry in the mid 90's

   Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? I'm not sure either, but it's ruining every date we go on...there's sh*t everywhere.

   My home is in hell and I am home right now.

   I bet you Sylvia Browne didn't see that coming.

   I didn't sign up for the 401k at my new job, because there's no way I can run that far.

   My home is in Heaven, I'm just traveling through this world....

   I met a nice, down to Earth woman. After a few minutes of random conversation, I casually remarked, "I'll bet anything that you're not at all materialistic." She said, "I hate sewing, so no."

   I'm thinking about having children. Does anyone have a good recipe?