Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've single handedly defeated my erection.

   Arriving 5mins after the liquor store closed has taught me all I need to know about why people inexplicably jump in front of freight trains.

   My Wife was reading the newspaper this morning and yelled "Honey, the sales add says the dealership will make it easy to get a new car for your spouse this weekend!"..... Me: "Actually that sounds like a pretty good trade."

   According to these court documents, the way to a woman's heart isn't through her bedroom window.

   I knew it was over the moment I accidentally hit you with my car, then backed over you five more times and drove away.

   I wanna be the one to make you scream, even if it is as you're running away.

   You know she loves you when she gets all clumsy when you're near and fumbles with the rape whistle

   What idiot called it a "breast reduction" and not a "Tittercide"

   Just found a hole in my sock and now I'm worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.

   I accidentally shot my wife on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.

   My signature sex move is "right click," "save as."

   Relationship status: managing to hold this girl's prosthetic hand on the train without her noticing yet.

   You haven't lived until you've had an 80 year old white woman push past you at the liquor store and call you a "f aggot"

   She said she wanted to talk so I let Jesus take the wheel and jump into traffic.

   If you can't be a nice person then at least be really good looking.

   Can your tongue come out to play with my tongue?

   I'm at my most interracial when I'm blasting Maroon 5 from my headphones and sagging my pants.

   I'm black, but not "free Pookie even though I know he robbed that store" black.

   People got 20/20 vision to YOUR problems but be Ray Charles to they own bullsh*t.

   It's not my fault my kids turned out like they did. I was never around!