Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got fired for being too early

   LGBTQ = Let's Get Biden To Quit

   “I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

   Today is nation Sloth day, it should of been yesterday, but they didn't get around to it.

   What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

   Walk of shame Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

   Why isn’t there a shortage of workers trying to sell me auto insurance?

   Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

   Last night I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

   Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

   Pandas are living proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

   Looks like we're ready for Halloween trick or treaters. Tested the sprinkler system and it's working.

   just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought I was running

   why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

   All I want to do is go to open houses & earnestly whisper to potential buyers “it’s a shame what happened to the previous family.”

   Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

   I quit smoking cold turkey. And I quit drinking cold duck.

   My favorite bible verse is Lunch 12:45

   Instead of "Build Back Better" How about "Put it Back Together" the way it was?!

   I wonder what the airports looked like during the US War of Independence in the 18th century?