Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do women like hockey more than men? Because it looks so much like vacuuming!

   I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster

   The snooze button, because there's nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.

   I always knew those people signing at major events were just fakes!!!

   Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.

   Anyone can sell things people eat. The Bay leaf salesman is a true salesman!!

   Bit Strips. A step up in the minds of those who normally post that they're going to Wal-Mart.

   America, where mediocrity reigns supreme. How else do you explain "our" love affair with The Kardashians, Family Guy, and Dr. Oz?

   Do you have that one family member that keeps you away from your other family?

   MTV has named Miley Cyrus the best artist of 2013. Kinda fitting I guess, since MTV has no idea what music is anymore...

   The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.

   Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are among Barbara Walters' "10 most fascinating people of 2013." In a related story, Barbara has been named one of the "10 most easily fascinated people of 2013."

   You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.

   If I burned the bridge between us.. Chance are you gave me the match..

   I just wanna have sex with someone who isn't snoring.

   Want people to leave you alone? Tuck in your sweater.

   Relationship Status : Packing my bags.

   If I cut you off,chances are high that you gave me the scissors

   So apparently everyone is calling One Direction "The new Beatles." Great, now I can't wait to see who gets shot first.

   Today is the 2nd day of the rest of your life. Sorry yesterday was the 1st day. Didn't you get the memo?