Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!

   Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day... Give a man a poisonous fish and you'll feed him for the rest of his life

   Do you know how much snow is too much snow to go to the liquor store?

   *flips coin in Air* ... "heads I get out of bed, tails I don't"... *coin lands too far away*........... "well bed it is!"

   Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel,,, and misinterpret other peoples intent.

   Single people: If you're looking for someone 10+ years younger than you don't tell us about how you want someone that "respects" you...

   Sarah Palin's new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

   When one door closes another one opens. Or you could jut re-open the closed door. Because that's how doors work.

   Wow, woke up this morning and Al Gore's still right about global climate change, how about that?

   Well, it's the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.

   The more stupid people I meet, the more I understand serial killers and think they should be called serial problem solvers.

   For a second there I thought I understood Spanish, but it was just the weed. False alarm.

   It’s cute how some people still believe in love and happily ever after.

   Relationships would probably be a lot more appealing if the only other option was getting hit by a bus.

   I am the most dangerous/damaged when I'm quiet. When I'm yelling or b*tching there is still hope.

   Soul mate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

   Twitter..the Walmart of social media.

   Judging by all these mosquitos passed out and puking on my chest, I've had too much tequila.

   Baby, I'll respect you in the morning if you leave tonight.

   Ugly people withholding sex until the last minute coz they know it’s the only ace in their deck of cards.