Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone's all, 'OMG! Snow!', and I'm just over here like, 'Hey, tonight Obama is going to officially announce that he's going to overtly rule by decree.'

   So ladies, that figure of speech he takes your breath away or is it how he holds you by the neck in the heat of passion. . .

   Im a grown man and I just put a bread tie back on! What does that mean!!?

   I just got a great deal on a dairy cow. It's lactose intolerant.

   Someone stole my wife's credit card but I'm not reporting it because they're spending a lot less than she does.

   my phone says it still isn't snowing. Has anyone checked outside?

   “Ever tried to push a piece of wood underwater?” - Mary telling her girlfriends about how she washes Jesus.

   anyone else suck on a POLO mint as long as you can without breaking the circle? and then feel gutted when you do?

   Be careful when you're thmoking a metal bowl in thub thero temperaturths.

   At least it wasn't PITBULL who won the RAP ALBUM award.

   You want to talk to me about the Grammy's? Oh I'm sorry, you must have confused me with some sheep who give a ¢r@p about celebrities.

   I wonder if Pink's carpet matches the name.

   You're right, vodka. This IS the perfect time to use a hammer.

   Who knew Justin Bieber was old enough to have an expired license? Also, he blew .014 caused by too many gummi bears.

   So, you're telling me that the Grammys aren't cute little bags of cocaine?

   The best part of the Grammys is not watching them.

   I pondered the meaning of life once, but then I just went back to living it.

   G Strings are like regular strings except they get to snuggle in between two ass cheeks all day.

   I hate when I wake up naked in the dumpster behind Dunkin' Donuts and I can't figure out if it's jizz or donut glaze in my eyes.

   Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!