Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't wait to have make up sex... I've been arguing with myself all day.

   I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

   Why do atheist celebrate Christmas? Just stop it! You are making yourself look bad.

   I'm sitting here wrapping Christmas presents with one hand. If you find a Band-aid in your gift, don't touch it. I'm still waiting on the test results.

   Miracle birth AND resurrection! No, not Jesus. Frosty the Snowman.

   Being clean and sober means I've showered and I'm heading to the liquor store.

   The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

   n't it odd that people will fight for toilet paper but not for their freedom?

   When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

   A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item because he needs it. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she doesn't need just because it's on sale.

   I'll bet the people who voted for Joe Biden are turning over in their graves right now.

   When you clean your vacuum cleaner, does that make you a vacuum cleaner?

   Can anybody cover my shift tonight? ~ Santa Claus

   Baby it's Covid outside.

   I should know better than to swear at the TV. It's the microwave that's listening.

   This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

   Failed Pickup Lines: “Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

   This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

   ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic

   I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.